First a little background. My wife, while being a 'feminist' sends me some of the funniest (and sometimes 'anti-feminism') humor. It's gotten to where I look forward to her jokes every day; and I HATE getting spam (once told my older sister she couldn't send me anymore emails unless she herself had written them :|). Anyways, I thought I would share will all of you also; so that when you are bored (or just need a good laugh) you can come here (no need to ever leave the jME site now }:-@).
DISCLAIMER: The jokes in this section may be of an adult nature; although every effort has been made to keep them at a 'PG-13' rating, some may may still feel they are inappropriate. If you feel strongly about something here, please post a comment and I shall (consider) removing it; no joke should be edited (no censorship here) but should be removed entirely. Also, any other moderators that have the rights may have the same privilege. As a guide line I will only post jokes/funnies here that I would send to my mother :D…
(If anyone wants this thread sticky let me know :))
(And if anyone wants to contribute please use common sense :))
Monkey & The Pool Ball
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The guy sits at the bar, and starts talking to the bartender. While they're talking, the monkey walks over to the pool table, and eats one of the pool balls.
The bartender says to the guy, "What's wrong with your monkey? He just ate one of the pool balls!"
The guy replies, "I can't help it. He eats anything and everything, and there doesn't seem to be a thing I can do to stop it." He then picks up the monkey, and leaves.
A few days later, the guy shows up at the bar and again, he's got the monkey with him. This time, the monkey sits down at the bar, grabs a peanut from a dish, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it back out and eats it.
The bartender says to the guy, "What the heck is he doing now?" The guy answers, "He still pretty much eats everything, but after the ball incident a few days ago, he checks to make sure it will fit before he eats it."
Since this is the the first 'installment' I will post 3:
Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed
there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on
his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home
absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something
was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill,
you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with
the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
Scotsman and the Egg
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived
next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and
each morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen
had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about
to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the
egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told
him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the
hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid
on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said,
"In my family we normally solve disputes by the following
actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it
takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls
and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever
gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found
his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took
a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and
kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman
fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony
for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's
my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the fucking
egg."
The Mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his
new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly,
non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though,
as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making
life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the
forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared
up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing
her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their
feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer
stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked
by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head
yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and
whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his
head no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor
later asked the farmer what that was all about. The
farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible
tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.'
The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and
I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked
up for a year.'"
basixs said:
As a guide line I will only post jokes/funnies here that I would send to my mother :D...
You'd send these jokes to your mother? I find that more disturbing than the jokes themselves...
You would probably find the jokes my mom tells me even more disturbing 
Geesh, can’t believe those didn’t get any laughs; alright I’ll step it up a notch (just don’t expect it ALL the time :P)
The Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard
her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry!” she said. “Stand in the corner.”
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she
dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just
pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this honey?” the husband inquired as he entered
the room.
“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly.
“The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it
so much, I got one for us, too.”
No more was said about the statue – not even later
that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the
morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass
of milk.
“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’. “Eat something. I stood
like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody
offered me so much as a glass of water.”
(remember this was sent to me by my wife, who is quite a feminist; so try to look at it with the tongue in cheek humor it was meant in)
haha, that jokes funny.
Okay, well how about a little less crudity then; heck we'll go with a 'G' rated one here :lol:
Holy Golf
Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing
golf. Moses stepped up to the tee and drove a long one.
It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward
the water. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water
parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long
one directly toward the same water. It landed directly
in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the
water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped
it up onto the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the
ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming
traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and
hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof
of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down
the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward
the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it
hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and
onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a
very large bullfrog jumped upon the lily pad and snatched
the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped
down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed
over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped
the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful
hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing
with your Dad."
Nice one. 
Some of them are good… Some not so much. The punch-line is all that counts 
Alright then, a short one just for Momoko_Fan
The 3 Moles
Once upon a time, there were three moles living together
in a mole-hole, a Papa Mole, a Mama Mole, and a Baby
Mole. One morning, the Papa Mole got up and stuck his
head out of the mole-hole.
"Mmm…" he said, "I smell pancakes!"
The Mama Mole got up and stuck her head out of the mole-
hole and said, "Mmm… I smell butter!"
The Baby Mole wanted to smell for himself, but he was
much too short, but he took a whiff anyway and said,
"Mmm… I smell molasses!"
Slight change of pace here, but I couldn't stop laughing when I read this. This reminds me of my mother in law (who has been known to spend over 8 hours in Wal-Mart) and father in law (who is constantly being 'tricked' into going with her)…
BANNED FROM WAL-MART…
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips
to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is
like most women - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite
a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras.
- June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in people's carts when they weren't looking.
- July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.
- July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the women's restroom.
- July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
- August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag
of M&M's on layaway.
- August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.
- August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
- August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just
leave me alone?
- September 4: Looked right into the security camera and
used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
- September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the
antidepressants were.
- October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
- October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna Vogue look' by using different sizes of funnels.
- October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
- October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed,
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least…
- October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet
paper in here!'
Sincerely,
Wal-Mart
I'm thinking that no-one cares about this topic, or just ignores it. My thoughts were to give people a laugh, but if it is just annoying I will cease and desist…
Therefore, unless people want this topic to continue (basically say something) this will be my last submission.
That last one was really good, I laughed really hard.
haha, keep them coming basixs.
I shall keep this topic alive by saying something!
basixs said:
Therefore, unless people want this topic to continue (basically say something) this will be my last submission.
keep on posting, i am reading and having phun :D
EDIT: The funniest commercial I have ever seen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1ZZreXEqSY+
I also think, if someone is offended by any content in this thread, he/she shall stop reading it. I was thinking about posting a hilarious joke about 4 nuns (and I'm a catholic), but chickened out because it seems some people in many other countries aren't as world open as I am. If you are offended by this statement: YES, I mean you }:-@
Thanx all for the encouragments, I will keep em coming
dhdd: I have TONS of raunchy stuff (some more raunchy than others) that I think is hilarious (my wife has a bit of a dirty mind). and am also finding it hard to figure out what to post (the mom criteria is a little lax it seems since my mom would love almost the raunchiest of jokes I have).
The Blind Man
A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:
- The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
- I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
- The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
‘No, not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.’
And since that was so short, heres something for the all the dirty birds out there }:-@
Shiny New Motorcycle
An engineering student was walking across campus when
another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a great bike?", asked the first.
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice;
the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
(insert laptop for motorcycle and programmer for engineer, and this would be true of a lot of 'geeks' I know ;))