I can tell if this is a 'dirty' joke or not…
Strange Floater
Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her
one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him
into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed
a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with
water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity;
surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't
mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to
chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the
best of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me
about this." Pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
down town last fall and I found this little package.
It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and
it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is
working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"
Heres a short one:
The optimist: "The glass is half full!"
The pessimist: "The glass is half empty!"
The engineer: "The glass is twice as big as it has to be!"
XD
basixs said:
disclaimer: neither I nor jMonkeyEngine endorse driving while intoxicated [/i]
(gotta love a country that is so 'free' that we find ourselves with a semi-conscious need to 'cover our butts'. Now that's what I call conditioning :D)
lol, I'm so glad i life in a country where I don't have to do that.
dhdd said:
Heres a short one:
The optimist: "The glass is half full!"
The pessimist: "The glass is half empty!"
The engineer: "The glass is twice as big as it has to be!"
hahahaha
It's good someone is trying to bring laughter! XD
Darklord said:
dhdd said:
Heres a short one:
The optimist: "The glass is half full!"
The pessimist: "The glass is half empty!"
The engineer: "The glass is twice as big as it has to be!"
hahahaha
It's good someone is trying to bring laughter! XD
laughter is overrated....
darkfrog said:
laughter is overrated....
laughed at much? :P anyways, we're laughing with each other ;)
Breathalyzer Test
Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving
very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They
pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking
that evening.
"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the
lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.
And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and
they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good.
I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me
friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a
couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then
I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for
later…" Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until
he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for
inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll
need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer
test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
disclaimer: neither I nor jMonkeyEngine endorse driving while intoxicated
(gotta love a country that is so 'free' that we find ourselves with a semi-conscious need to 'cover our butts'. Now that's what I call conditioning :D)
Sorry for the delay folks…
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a
big sign on the door saying: “NERDS NOT ALLOWED –
ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK” He goes in and sits down. The
bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells
kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living.
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell
is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender
says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him
a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with
tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve
kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector,
and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender,
without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows
the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender said not to worry, “The nerds are overpopulating
the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don’t
even need a license”, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in
his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly,
he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts.
The back door breaks open and computers spill out all
over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already
forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers,
accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes
he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole
load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls
out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several
of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps
out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver
says, “What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season.”
“Well, sure,” said the patrolman, “But you can’t bait
'em.”
(and one of my ALL TIME favorite pics)
SO funny! Thanks!Get the high quality Discount AC Parts - Saab AC Compressor at wholesale prices with the full warranty. Order and get placed your A/C Compressor by the …Find best prices for Mercedes Benz 300D Parts by browsing our complete catalog of discount Mercedes auto parts.
Thanx for posting, and welcome to the forums 
Hot Air Balloon
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he
is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me,
can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon,
hovering 30 feet above this field. "
"You must be an engineer", says the balloonist.
"I am", replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told
me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are,
or where you're going, but you expect me to be able
to help. You're in the same position you were before
we met, but now it's my fault. "
Okay so slightly different format; some not so good but some are SSOOO funny 
Tech Support Trials and Tribulations
Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective!" Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa." Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker)
****************
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,
"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"
*******************
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer."
On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it! (YEE-HAW!)
*****************
Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No Carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"
*****************
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Soft-ware Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.) Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?" Customer:(proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it'?" Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?" Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the
A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
******************
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.
A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
***************
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "
A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key. When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.
*****************
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
****************
Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
****************
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!" ****************
Judge Hears The Case
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company responsible
for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's
fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you
say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?", asked
the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.
I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…"
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene
of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the
trailer and I was driving down the road…"
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the
scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer
Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear
what the man has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was
saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and
was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-
truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie
moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape
just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway
patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning
and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked
at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the
eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his
gun in his hand and looked at me."
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot
her. How are you feeling?"
I like that one.
Got a joke today from a friend:
Whats the circumference of a jack o' lantern?
Pumpkin pie…
lol
Awsome… please do keep them coming…
Been a little slow on the laughter front, sorry 'bout that…
Too Drunk to Walk
A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him
falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy
and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off
again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, "Where
do you live?".
Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car,
puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When
they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out
of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting
to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the
guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, "Hello,
I've brought your husband home."
The wife looks at the man and asks, "Where's his wheel
chair?"
Okay, so its been not funny around here (my home) for a while, and its depressing me…
found this though: http://www.theonion.com/content/video/are_violent_video_games
ok, so i guess i have to post this in here as well…
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/apple_introduces_revolutionary
OnionNews is so fuckin’ funny